I get the urge to go up to the lake and know that it is soon that I can again do that. I have spent countless hours there over the span of my entire life in this town of Fairfield, CT. and it is always such a place of territorial memories. I have walked there as a child, as a young girl, as a young adult. I have walked there pregnant, angry, hopeful, wistful, energetic, magical, depressed...every emotion possible has been seen in that familiar expanse of forest. I have walked there with babies strapped on my back while walking big dogs, and I chose it as the place where I would lose 30 pounds after I learned of my significant weight gain around 2006.
I had quit smoking in 2004 and gained 50 pounds. I went to a Weight Watchers meeting with my mother, who is a lifetime member and cried when I saw the number on the scale. So not only was I grappling with overcoming a seventeen year addiction, now I was the size of a small whale.
So, again, I retreated to the forest to heal...
What took place in time after that was a rude awakening to what I had been covering with the smokescreen of addiction - so many issues and memories, just like we all know and have, came spilling out of an unstoppable volcano of emotion, mostly anger and mainly regret.
What I now know about it, and think that I understand about it, is what this blog needs to be dedicated to because I have spent countless hours in the pages of journals, both online and off, talking to myself about my particular demons and ways to either honor them or just live with them, accepting them as parts of me, integrating them and just watching them be what they are until I can figure out how to best use them creatively...which has always been my goal.
It is by the multitudes of mistakes I have made that I can truly recognize the growth that has occurred and allows me to have faith in a better future. So instead of feeling crazy about all of this, I am grateful for the hindsight that allows me to cull a great deal of inspiration from the lessons learned. I am also grateful for those of you who have been reading along with me the whole time...or are just starting to now.
Until next time ~ xo 333 xo