So many insects in the web...
There are too many perplexing bugs in my web, too many big and burgeoned with sadness and depression that I cannot help or even begin to soothe with any kind of words, or treatments or energy that I just do not have to give.
As I often do, I will protect those who need protecting with words that dance around feelings but wear different clothes, like these bugs in my web. I am the Spider. For today. Eating these bugs and all they contain would make me sick, possibly kill me. So what to do? Spin a new web? Leave them there for later? They will still be full of the same poisonous emotion that I cannot assimilate. I should not be expected to. Just because they wandered into my web does not mean that I asked them to be there. Be it cruel, or not, I cannot mingle with the essence of death before dying, although I do know it well, I haven't chosen it, therefore it is not on my personal menu. As an arachnid. With eight legs.
Yes, I am a Reiki Master Teacher. Yes, I know how energy works and YES I am aware of my own tumultuous energy. I know when I need to step away from everyone and keep quiet, when I need to build a new web and catch new insects. Especially when the headache came and didn't leave for six days, that's my threshold currently. If something is going on for a week, that is draining or stressing me, I WILL MOVE ON. It won't matter where the main source is coming from. I will move out and away and keep everyone else safer until I regain balance.
Which is just now, just a week ago I wrote my last blog post. I was fine until 1:00 pm that day and then a series of events happened and spiraled into a demented hurricane of What The Fuck. It was then, when I look back on it, that I had lost something of myself along the way, I had been pulled into the undertow of something desperately trying to grasp onto my vitality and strength and use it as a game piece...which is a terrible way to get my attention, and the wrath that will eventually be born out of the realization of this fact will inevitably rise out of the pits of my being and shut down everything in its path. Not pleasant. Not for me, not for "them", not for my creativity and that's the thing that makes me angrier than anything.
As the days slowly crawled by and I swam so slowly through dark heavy water back up towards the light, seaweed twisting around my ankles, creatures dark and slimy sliding by my hands and belly, I remembered that the light is not where I feel the safest. I do have the light inside of me, yes, but the harsh daylight that shows me truths and the scale of time, that light is indeed horrendous. I think that is why I love the ending of Summer and the shorter light of the days so much. It is the time where everything is dying and everything is more beautiful because of that. The heat of the sun retreats and what begins to matter more is how the energy is spent. Not the foolish game of ego, not the selfish game of trying to control another person because we are unsure of how we ourselves are valuable just as we are...