I was reading the Moon Signs book about what was going on this week, and it says its a good time to "trim to increase growth". In learning about minimalism, this makes sense in other ways, not just with planting. So I keep meditating, carving away that which gets in the way of growth. I think about things that I haven't accomplished because I thought that it would be better to pay attention to someone other than myself. I thought that I could get some kind of karmic balance achieved because I was making sure I was available to those who "needed" me but now I find out more than ever before that I need me. That I need to be the one who is going to help me accomplish what needs to be done and that none of it is coming from the outside because I already have tried that. So many times. Trapped in that same old cage, with the door shut behind me yet still unlocked. Now the time has come to push the cage over the cliff and not look back.
Time is slipping by faster all the time. Been writing and reading, as Stephen King suggests, and as Virginia Woolf suggests. Sylvia Plath, one of my favorite poets, is currently on my mind a lot this week. She lived only thirty one years, and in that time left an impressive amount of poetry and writing behind that inspires me to know more about her.
So tonight, as my busy brain is on call with many books and projects - I will leave you quietly with a poem from "Winter Trees" as I continue to carve the portal into what I must say and what I must not.
by Sylvia Plath
Rattles its pod, the moon
Discharges itself from the tree with nowhere to go.
My landscape is a hand with no lines,
The roads bunched to a knot,
The knot myself,
Myself the rose you achieve
Godly as a child's shriek.
Spiderlike, I spin mirrors,
Loyal to my image,
Uttering nothing but blood -
Taste it, dark red!
And my forest
And this hill and this
Gleaming with the mouths of corpses.
For quite a few weeks now, I have been feeling like I am overloading again on carbohydrates and it is starting to take its toll on me. I am even starting to think I have some kind of gluten intolerance or worse, celiac disease. I read last night that if you are going to go gluten free, you should do it 100% because if you continue to cheat here and there, you are going to be continuing the cycle of discomfort.
So, besides being vegetarian/almost vegan – this new twist throws quite a few wrenches at me. But just like becoming vegetarian/vegan, if it means that much to you, you accept the challenges that come with changing over to something that makes you feel better. And it has made me feel better, on more than one level.
Level One: physically I know that my body functions better without the heavy load of dead animals inside of it.
Level Two: energetically I am not as exhausted. I am able to think sharply and remember small details as well as challenge myself to connect dots that need to be connected.
Level Three: spiritually/morally I am aware of the energy that this path has entrusted me with and I am greatly enhanced as an energy medium. This helps in all relationships and work environments. Especially helps me be in tune with when the best times to teach and help my sons is present.
Level Four: intellectually I am able to process and remember better because I am not sabotaging myself from my eating habits (something that I have gained a lot of control over) and I have gone out of my way this year to remove excess sugar and dairy.
It is hard work to continually come back again to square one with so many different things. Also, if you do not change the way you have always done things, the way things are done will never change. I read a lot of labels. I listen to people’s conversations in the restaurant. I watch what they order, how they order it and what they feel like when they are done. Most of them are overfull with food that often has them saying they need a nap. I know that feeling, as you know that feeling. I know that the cycle of eating what you have always eaten is a hardwired thing that is seemingly impossible to unwind.
Like becoming an ex-smoker, suddenly you can’t have what everyone else is having. You can’t go out to the courtyard and smoke because you don’t want to do that anymore. So you do something else, anything else. Aren’t there always going to be other alternatives? Better alternatives? Even if they don’t seem better, anything would be better than to pick up a cigarette and smoke, right? Even though it has been twelve years for me I cannot lie and tell you that sometimes I just want to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes, and be done with it. But I know I won’t be done with it. And I feel like my sons would be devastated to see their mother with that thing in her hands. There is no way that I could do that now, even though sometimes I want to. Not after all the times I have showed my tattoos proudly in honor of a habit gone dead.
So I will suffer a bit. I will find alternatives and I will do my best to know what I need to know, day by day to feel better. If it’s not the issue, I will continue to excavate myself until I figure it out. And when all else fails, I meditate and listen for the answer. I more and more often am finding myself asking for that silent pause and know that the more I do this, the better the anxiety in me can rest. Isn’t that what we all wish for?
I have to stop promising future work because I find that that in itself is some form of sabotage. It is much like putting the horse before the cart. It is like an inky black entity that suffocates creativity and I am writing Him off. I listen for Her because She is the one who answers in the silence I have been struggling to create. And now it is non-negotiable.
New Moon is 7:07 pm this Friday.
Have a lovely week – and see you next Monday!
I know I wrote about this last week and am still only just beginning to understand how it is much like the voice of the addict. It is something that I keep reading about and quite recently I have been reading more about its loud and obnoxious voice that threatens to silence the muse and the guide. But the muse and the guide will never cease, and the ego will someday get that point that no matter how much fun it has standing and shouting in my face, the meditation sessions are having their breakthrough. They are having their own specific time to speak in a silent place, and that is where I see the growth and the changes taking place. The same feeling I get when I haven't written is now the same feeling I get when I don't meditate or exercise.
Today marks 51 consecutive days of meditation since November 27, 2016 with my all time number of recorded sessions at 584 since 2014. Maybe its because it is a new year that this particular round of meditations seems to finally be getting through, and maybe its because we got rid of so much garbage and clutter physically and mentally, and maybe its because we have been working on being aware of the energy that we are personally responsible for that I feel like this tiny pinhole portal that is being made into myself is finally opening up just a little bit more. Inside that portal there is the quietest voice, a soft yet strong voice that helps me to bypass the ego most of the time, during the short sessions that I have been part of building on since the 1st of January. It has been there before, but seemed to struggle just below the surface to be seriously heard. It reminds me of social media distractions that have come and gone, and those that don't mean much to me at all.
I feel the difference it is making when it is met with earlier in the day, and I have never been a morning person, so its been a lot of different little things that I have been doing. Most of them with the phases of the moon and making optimal use of the phase, the eclipse or the retrograde or whatever. Little things changing one at a time are putting me on a clearer and more focused path to what I have requested to be shown. Hand over my heart, I ask to be shown the next step and I trust that it is shown in a way that I am not able to imagine because I am not in control of any such thing. I ask, I wait and I watch. I sit and I listen, in silence. And that ego...has GOT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
It's a difficult little beast, that fucking ego. It wants to talk its shit and get into conversations that it has no business being in, just to pass the time or to talk about things like The Ringling Brothers Circus finally getting ready to shut down forever. Which is great. But it does challenge some into asking why would I be so happy about that. That's a whole other blog though. This ones about that bitch of an ego being a slippery monster and reminding me of the way it has always been. For now. There are a series of thoughts tangled up into each other that threaten to drag me back into ways that I have long since abandoned, but just like a bad day of falling off of any wagon you are currently riding - you can quickly find yourself repeating patterns you love to hate because the ego says, "Here, let me help you up after I pushed you down on your face."
Ah, the games that it plays. And so it goes. And here is a perfect video - although its bizarre, Volbeat ROCKS.
Have a good week. See you next Monday.
This past week I kept my daily meditation promise for 2017. I currently have 44 consecutive days and my all time meditation sessions for the past two years since tracking them with the Insight Timer began April 15, 2014 are 569 sessions. This has included a lot of telling myself to Shut The Fuck Up. Is it myself, though? Or is that the Almighly Ego? I have come to really know this AE as a voice that sounds totally like the voice that kept me addicted to things that I thought I couldn't or wouldn't live without. It is also the voice of Fear that tells me that if I don't keep doing things the way I have always that I will lose something, or miss something or forget something.
I think I have spent enough time being afraid of changing things, and once I have made up my mind to finally change things - it usually is by and large the best choice because growing in the same small container will eventually be too restrictive, too stagnant. Having all the same shit swirling around, the same little whirlwinds of dust and clutter and old thoughts and ideas that had lead no where because there was no where for them to touch down and start their own growth. There is nothing able to find its own small way in. Not much can prosper in a valley of clutter and uncertainty.
I think a lot of us have things we don't want, like or need. I think we hold onto things for sentimental or habitual reasons. I think we carry the dead ancestors things, the old boyfriend or girlfriend things, the old tragedies or triumphs, the old letters of rejection or rehabilitation to remind us that we have roots to remember. That we have times that we cannot recall until we go through that old musty box in the dark corner of the basement. Suddenly, a scrapbook slaps us back into an old home or car or relationship. We hear the AE come along and say, "Hey, remember all the promises you broke?" Or "Hey, look how fucking fat you were back then." The wretched "Hey, didn't you say you would never end up like him?" Or "Hey, you really should have paid more attention to this."
Moving on through time, back to the present day. Last week that image of you as a heavier person is forgotten. How you made promises you never intended to keep and then the person you made them to died. You vowed to change that one thing and you did. You carried on something in honor of someone loved and lost. Or you said, "I refuse to do that again. Or be like that again." Didn't you? Haven't you? Do you remember what it is that you promised yourself or someone else that you carried through with?
I remember reading "The Secret" and being mesmerized by the messages that I was seeing. These past few weeks I re-learned that gelatin is an animal by product and it is in the vitamin c gummies that I have been taking. I thought of my conflicting thoughts about drinking orange juice because there is a lot of sugar - and about how at least the sugar isn't animal derived. Thus began a new choice to leave off those gummies from my shopping list and have 8 oz of premium orange juice to get the 100% daily value of vitamin c.
I also mentioned on social media how I watched the movie "Minimalism: A Documentary" and this movie is right in tune with the changes we have been making to move forward in a better and more uncluttered way. Click here to see how you can watch this movie, now on Netflix and many other places, some as low as $3.99
On Thursday, December 12 at 6:34 am, the Full Moon of January graces the winter sky. This year I bought the "Moon Sign Book" by Llewellyn who has been the #1 Lunar Guide Since 1905. They say that this is the "Cooking Moon" and that directing your attention to health and home is of great importance at this time. The water signs, Scorpio, Cancer and Pisces, are particularly emotional. I'll keep that in mind for the next two weeks.
What I would like to work on requires paying attention to the quarters of the moon and the information in this book, as well as continuing to tell my AE to STFU because I will get not much of anything done if I don't! What would you like to work on after Thursday? Learning more about the phases? About clutter? About being more healthy and cooking at home instead of ordering food from a drive through window? I know there is something you want to change or improve. I know I do! Don't wait until the full moon to start! Have a great week and see you next time :)
Still in the minimalism mindset. Still listening to heavy metal as loud as I possibly can. Still planning on seeing my favorite bands live and up close. Still writing that novel. Still meditating every day, even if it is only for a couple minutes. Still have a blistering bad temper that I am striving to use as fuel. Sometimes that doesn't work out. Especially when the fire gets fanned by too many influences. That's just the way it is, sometimes.
I have found things covered in black mold from a flood in the basement awhile back. I have thrown out things that make me angry, sad, regretful, and a whole host of emotions that I don't need to be reinstated. New Year, yeah, 2017 is definitely feeling lighter at least and that is something. I have been hearing so many things, both in my writers brain, on my journal pages, out of the mouths of my family members that have me tearing out pages in my mind that no longer want to be read or repeated. Like songs that I don't want to hear anymore because they remind me of some bullshit that I did, or that someone else did. Just hit that thumbs down button.
I hope that all of you had a great end of 2016 and into 2017. Even if I have things going sideways at times, I am always grateful for what they teach me. As I get older, I find new ways to talk to myself about what is going on when things are getting all riled up. I find ways to stand back from myself and understand the blame game. I find ways to not take things personally. I look for the threads of misunderstanding and I see where my work is cut out for me with the people who are closest to me. I think sometimes we all expect those people closest to us to take our shit no matter what, and I think that is not the right way to be. I think that working on that is a continual thing, and so even though this is a time of new resolutions - its not really new to me at this point where I have begun to see things differently after seeing so many things of the past that have led to so many frustrations and disappointments that others are not ready to work on. I am working on them, though, in my own self. And that's what matters most to me today.
See you next Monday!