There does come a time when I cannot help but freeze over. When my mind becomes halted with the angst and ambivalence that shoots like shards of glass through my thumbs. When I feel like walking through the dark forest regardless of the coyotes.
My blank mind shimmers with shades of melancholy as the night once again rolls by and I tell myself that tomorrow, I will do what it is I feel I can't right now. What a load of shit that is. Speckled with guilt and shame, and tied up with exhaustion from trying so hard, I lay bound and mute in a cold tiled room.
So once again, I do my best to talk myself out of the nonsense that has entered my mind as to why I should delay taking the critical step that I should have taken over the past two weeks already. I strain to retain the vital energy it requires to "keep my head up" and "stay positive" and "relax"...and I really DO try...but sometimes the baseball bat just keeps on knocking me in the knees and I have to wonder...is this distraction, distortion or just plain discipline...or worse...All of the above?
A long line of thoughts gathers up, standing together and fading just as quickly. Stuck in the gears of life's oily cogs, trudging through a thick wake of remembering and forgetting...avoiding and contemplating...
Strength from the Shadowscapes Tarot ~ by Stephanie Law
Perfect images and sounds come to my rescue. I forget the power of sound and sight in these moments of non-movement in the mire. I must push my soul to move out of its dark cloaks and into a meadow of music and art where it lays down and sees the slats of sunlight though gossamer strands of clouds touching the horizons that I have yet to touch.
(Bullet Proof Vest by Colbie Caillat)
A tearing enigma, a shredded bolt of inspiration flaps in the February wind, tiny snowflakes dancing around a memory that sliced me to pieces... I look back, not regretting and not holding on... and I see that pile of who I used to be - a blurry mess of illusion and confusion that gave birth to a bitter bright fire that burned everything it touched.
(Dear John by Taylor Swift)
(Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw)
A poster hung in my room over my bed when I was 18 and I can see it as clearly as it was the day I posted it there.
Flooding conversations, illnesses and confinement witnessed by this paper on my wall - the stories it could retain on its plain glossy tooth surface.
Now the music plays and it is amazing how the words and melodies of the songs that come on take me right back to those times - even songs that did not exist back then - the sentiments of the songwriters have the magical effect of universal themes woven through so many lives.
(Rhythm of Love by Plain White T's)
(I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat)
And then there it is, the ignited golden moment that leads me back into the corridor of conversation that flows like a river through bouldered pathways gently being worn down by daily pressure. A comet of cotton passes by on the way to a softer place where the dead memories have pushed up their daisies.
...Your thoughts are only weather passing over your soul...
Saturday was a stormy day for thoughts.
Sunday was better.
Monday shows signs of marked improvement. Monday holds promise that did not exists 48 hours ago.
My thoughts always return to writing.
Wonderful to aspire to, yet sometimes thoughts are drenched in the darkest reds, blues and blacks.
Saturdays palette fades and is replaced by optimistic orange, yellow, and coral.
Paints return to my lap and I allow the Muse to draw me in instead of the other way around.
Waiting for myself to reawaken to my words, I stand on a spiral staircase that leads me to lands I have written about for over a decade now.
Time is not slowing down. The unneccesary words and material blockages disintegrate into the dust that I sweep out of January and February as Spring comes back around once more.
This blog is a tool for me, just like all the rest. All the images and messages and prompts...they all lead back to the same set of stairs that must be climbed in order to start again and again...every single day, again...