This changing of the seasons reminds me of new beginnings both in habits and relationships. Then something changes in a relationship that I thought I had established trust within. It could be a long standing one or a relatively new one. It comes to be one that is revealed to be a scam. It comes to be one that is a set up to determine my honesty and loyalty. And when that happens, I will absolutely shut that person down. I do give the benefit of the doubt with the person but typically, I only need about three incidents that tell me this is a pattern and not something that I am interested in continuing engagement in.
There are other variables, the top one being the energetic exchange. Most people don't realize this is going on unless you are an energy sensitive person. Much has been written about energy vampires because, even though they may not consciously know what they are doing, they do it all the same. They use their words as a manipulative way to get people to do something for them or in their favor. As a young girl growing up in a world that was very flat and plain, as opposed to the whole world wide web of realization we have now, I paid attention to anything that was out of the ordinary. I was figuratively slapped down and away from things that I wanted to know more about, things that I wanted in general. Minimal things. Emotional things. Spiritual and physical things.
All that pushing away only caused me to magnetically come back around to the source within me that says, "Hey, remember how you wanted to (fill in the blanks)"...
How you wanted to have your parents there supporting you and being present for something important to you that everyone else's parents were going to be there for.
How you wanted to be able to really trust that you would not be made to go through something really hard and scary alone.
How you wanted to say no to so many things that still to this day terrorize your soul.
We all have that, right? So many things we wanted to do differently. Some of them we finally do get to do differently. Do we do it then? When given the chance?
Someone offers to help us with something difficult and then...completely abandons it, and sometimes even does the complete opposite. The bus comes and we are thrown under it.
Well, I have been learning how to stay off that bus. I have been looking out the windows and getting out at the stop no one else is getting out at. And I am totally fine with that, even if I am walking out in the dark alone. It's what I have always known, what I have always done in a way that no one really understands, nor do they need to.
Recently I have been able to understanding where my energy is best spent and what needs to be in what place and when. It is all very subtle, and it involves a lot of talking myself down from places I have no desire to be anymore. It is a lot of time saying no to a lot of different things, and people. It also has been a lot of telling that voice in my head that tells me I can't do something to shut the fuck up and sit down.
I have been listening more than speaking and I have been hearing a message loud and clear, over and over and the more I hear it, the more physically uncomfortable I become. I am taking measures to make sure that my body isn't physically revolting against me and although I have asked for the capability to be able to feel a certain amount of energy to be used as a protective mechanism, it seems that time is running faster than I possibly ever could. This makes it virtually impossible to stay the same way I have been staying in order to be of service to those around me in the way that has made me feel as if I had to stay that way.
I don't and can't stay the way I have been staying. It is only recently that I have been shown how many strings the Universe is about to pull for me. And how many that have already been pulled. All the games that people like to play, or try to play, take them all. You can win all you want. All I know is that I am out and away from this particular playing field now and I am not coming back. I know what I am going to need to do to prepare for the next game and in that space of time I will always continue to be grateful for the people who show me who they truly are, without realizing that I needed them to be liars all along. Realizing that I need to be a liar, too. Because that's the game. And fuck it. If I don't win, at least I learn. And maybe get to teach about it along the way.
xox C 333
Time of Need
Expectancy is the root of all heartache.
William Shakespeare said it best. Expectation is also a great teacher because it can, through vast and varied disappointments and betrayals, show you the true colors and shades of light and dark in a person. As of yesterday morning, I had a whole different idea planned for my Monday blog. It is amazing how the space of just a few moments of realization can change your whole course of thinking. But this is life.
The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone.
I am not here to go through a series of things and thoughts and people who have disappointment me, because I am so far away from all of that right now as the new day comes and once more I am grateful for the new time I have to work towards what I have been building so carefully. I surely have been my own share of disappointments to others. There is no one safe of sparing the feelings of this uncomfortable and sometimes crippling range of emotions.
I have been shown the truth of personalities and all the way down to the bones of some people lately, and this is something I have been working on my entire life, not only to protect myself but to protect the ones who I have put here on this earth. My flesh and blood, replicas of what is truest and the best and the worst of me. My three sons will always trump any other humans on this planet. I do not care how far away I go, or how far away they go. They will never be outside of me in the way that those outside of me are, if that makes any sense. Any mother will agree. Even those old mothers who cannot remember what day it is, or what they should be doing or saying at any given moment, they know what cannot be written or expressed. They know what they know inside of their own hearts, no matter how much it may be heavy or hardened or broken.
Easter Sunday has been a difficult day for me ever since my father passed away, almost seventeen years ago. My mother has never had another companion in her life since then. Many of you know she is suffering from dementia and now, many other physical issues have come piling up one by one. I have been a grave disappointment to her more times than anyone in her whole life probably. I have not been much of a "good daughter" until recently, in my own opinion. I have taken the responsibility of her emotional state in my hands and then have it burn me so badly that I must drop it and walk away. I truly do not want to abandon it because I am a firm believer in "What goes around, comes around."
I have lived my life believing that I never want my sons to feel the burden of my emotional anxiety and deep sadness because it is not theirs to bear. They will and do have their own internal issues and struggles and heartaches that I will never know anything about, because, unlike me, being "mother", they are spared that eternal madness and elongated emotional turmoil that comes with loving them so much that I refuse to drag them down into the depths of what they will never know or see within me. I can only hope that through my sometimes humble and sometimes extravagant displays of written emotion that they can know me far ahead into however long it takes to understand that this is done in many layers of thought, insight and the bitter interrogation of my own self. It is done in tireless reams of paper and ink and words that is the truest I will ever be able to articulate for them, what is not only inside of me, but what they inherited by being my children.
Realizing what was important and what was priority yesterday, I was sorely disappointment and deeply saddened by a trail of things that have been leading up to this one painting I have been illustrating in my mind of my expectations, and I am not living up to them for one reason or another. Mostly because there are so many painful milestones along the way. One after another, I see stakes being driven into the ground of a reality that will always be the same for us all, the pending death of those around us that we care about, or not care about. The deterioration of relationships and alliances and trust that we thought would always be there, or at least be there when we needed them the most. The expectation that people would be able to realize when these times were, or at least feel when those times were, and be more understanding, compassionate or aware. It is the expectation that kills you. Breaks your heart so deeply that you pull down heavy metal doors that you cannot lift back up again alone. Not that you would want to, after trying so hard to trust again.
So you do something simple. You walk. You drive. You turn on the radio and before you do, you say to who ever is listening, "PLEASE. Give me a sign that you hear me. That you will help me, even though I am locked in this dark place with the doors all pulled down. With thorns in my heart and sides and tears in my eyes. PLEASE."
You turn on the radio. And the beginning of the song plays softly. Reminds you of all the other times you heard it. And the tears in your eyes roll quietly down to that place in the base of your throat. You pull over and watch the sunset on a day where there is joy to be found everywhere but in your own heart. You drive by the cemetery, you don't go in. You drive by the places you have driven by literally hundreds of thousands of times, and everything looks like a stranger.
In the midst of the darkness of uncertainty, there is a place where SHE ALWAYS ANSWERS. There are empty pill bottles and hearts full of a pain that cannot be pacified by anything tangible. No one can tell another person how to help that sharp and excruciating thing inside themselves how to stop influencing their current or pending relationships. If I come across as depressed and extremely emotional, it is working here. It is coming out in the words, and it will come out in the music, and in art and poetry and it will come out. It will be part of the seashore and the forest and the very air you breathe when you are next to me. And no one can tell you that its going to be alright unless it is you. Deep inside of you, you are the only one who can know that. If you need help, you must ask. You must ask those you know are willing to help without a hidden agenda. Those who won't use it against you when you need it the most. Those who truly are on your side, who appreciate not only what you do for them, but what you are made of.
I needed help, and I asked the One I Trusted Most. And SHE ANSWERED. Over waves of the radio, She answered. Over the realization of names and words and connections that only I was meant to hear and read and see. She answered. On this broken bed with this enormous dog in the light of another Monday morning with tiny sparrows along the old azaleas and bright yellow dandelions, She answered.
And I will be alright. Over and over again I will be alright.
I am grateful, and blessed to have the anchors of my sons to keep me afloat on a ship that continues to sail on a sometimes very thick, dark, deep black ocean. It is I that owe them something, not the other way around. It is I that must allow them to have the freedom to become everything they wish for the potential to be. It is through me and my example that I work so hard to show them, that yes, they can do it. No matter how long or hard or painful it may be. Many people do not take the chances to live for themselves and allow those they love to do the same. It is there where so many little red threads to our hearts are overworked and broken. I am not like other people.
Until next Moonday...
xox C 333
Many of you know that I have been a waitress off and on for many years since I was eighteen. In all that time, one thing has not changed. When you are about to start service to a table, the first thing you ask in regards to serving is what anyone would like to drink. Top two answers: Coffee and Water. But this is what puzzles me. Sometimes I am asking if I can get someone something to drink and they say, "No, nothing. Just water."
I am a "Water" sign. I ask these deep seemingly meaningless things that perplex me to the point of an OCD mentality. When you said, "No, nothing." I think, "Okay. No drink." Then you add on, "Just water." So, Yes. You do want a drink. You want water and you want it probably to be clean water. I do have to get a cup and put ice (more water, just frozen) in it and bring it to you. Preferably with a straw. Or, water with lemon. It's those water with lemon people that truly do appreciate their water, yes? Nine times out of ten, yes, they do. But it's those people who ask for a "round of waters" for the table when they don't even know if everyone even wants water. It's those people who ask and leave the glass completely untouched. I am not sure that anyone thinks about such things like this, but as a supporter of the Poland Spring water delivery service, I do appreciate my water and I do read labels and I also do not ask for water that no one intends to drink, nor do I ask for water that no one else has agreed silently to drink. Doesn't mean that anyone will pay any attention to this, but, I am one of those people who recycles many things, many ways...and this is another one of those ways that I try to conserve what I believe is an important resource that we take for granted. Like it is an endless supply. Like the rainforest and the ocean...
I have become overwhelmed lately as my energy and intake of the conditions of the world around me has been a spinning vortex of complexity that I cannot seem to keep a firm enough grasp on. It seems that I am not supposed to, where within here lays the messages. It seems that at some point in the near future that there will be a shift where things will follow a more harmonious path because I have been saying no to all the other things that cause my body to react in vaulting stretches of stress. It truly is the small things that do add up to the biggest results, and by actually proving it to yourself, a truest realization, you do tend to see this more often than not if you are dedicated to removing the stresses from your life. No matter how painful they may be. No matter how many people or things it may involve.
Writing has been and will continue to be a driving force in my life, and always has been exactly the kind of companion I have needed it to be. I have been becoming ever closer to its magical allure and comfort to the point where I literally could crawl out of my skin if I didn't write. I become ungrounded and easily flustered if I spend too much time away from these journals and stories that I write. I become defensive about the time I need during the week to maintain the schedule I have worked very hard to achieve and am very unwilling to bargain with that time. As I am also unwilling to bargain with the time spent with my sons.
Just like the water, it is not an unlimited supply of time. It is like making your way across a bridge and knowing that at the end of it, it is the end of it. There is no extension, but there is a gate. It is there where my muse and I have been meeting far, far away from this land of internet and social media, and for that time and that unlimited supply of inspiration, I am grateful.
xox C 333
Full Pink/Wind Moon > Tuesday April 11 th @ 2:08 am
It's been eight months of writing once a week, on Mondays...with only two times where I didn't make it and wrote on Tuesday. It's been much longer than that that I have had the idea that social media is a silent killer of my energy and this morning as I scrolled through the feeds I had that same familiar feeling of sand rushing too quickly through a very fragile hourglass.
Then it was on to the emails and one came across my sight that was the sign I was looking for. So, just as I had promised to write once a week on Mondays (Moondays) in light of the creative work I was doing with my jars, I have now made new promises to other creative work that must be done . Or else.
The smallest changes and choices lead to the biggest results. I choose to not confine myself and although I love sharing the things and places and ideas and inspirations that I personally favor, I feel like a red balloon with a slow leak. My energy is sapped by images and words and ideas that seem to be none of my business. There is a gnawing feeling that I have spent too much time in too many cycles that I have outgrown and if I am not careful, I will never step away and begin the new ones that hold hands outside of the social media circles, such as in real life. Too much time spent staring into screens and comparing and having not the slightest notion of anything too far away. And besides that, I am a Scorpio, like the beloved Sylvia Plath - who was a fellow Scorpio, and who I can identify with on so many levels through her work that I am slowly going through. Enlightenment beyond the grave of her life, I find comfort in so many of the things she wrote that I got a tattoo of one of her many famous lines.
So with that, on this third day of April, 2017, I am making the change I have been saying to myself that I was going to make, at the right time. I am moving away from many things that no longer serve me, and things that rob me of energy that I need to support the creative and inspirational projects that impact my life and those I have the strongest connections to. I believe that energy goes where attention flows, one hundred percent. I believe that I have a handle on what the next steps are that I need to take and that I do not have time to be afraid to climb the stairwells that are set out before me, covered in dust and dreams that have hovered above me for years. Today is that day. I hereby refrain from random social media posts and will continue to post the Monday blog, which will not be random. You can bet on this, you can be sure I will keep my word to this, and I look forward to writing a better quality blog post, or perhaps more than a Monday blog post, but at least once a week, if you are at all interested, I will be here.
Until next Monday...Until soon
xox C 333